I was wrong (1/25/24)

Zoe Byszynski

@habitually_a_mess

I was wrong.

I have twenty long branches outside of myself.
They twist around endlessly reaching.
Their fuzzy swirls couldn’t hope to hold you. 
My center is too mushy to stand tall for you.
I swish around and wobble like unset gelatin.
I am encased in this film that leaks and flakes and stretches and smells and burns.
Spikes all over. Growing, reaching out. Breaking?
           Something is bubbling up here, trying to get my attention.
I breathe hot steam.
            Opening and closing to get your attention.
Two empty spots in the middle. Not to look pretty, not to mean anything.

Inside I am glass. I am fragile. I am brittle. I was wrong.

I hear your voice through these loops.

Your voice bounces and bends through my hurdles with ease.

I see your eyes through filters that can’t focus right.

Never as perfect as you.

They ooze when you’re gone.

On my back I fold in half and half again and half and half.

I will not be strong. I can not learn. I won’t.

Spots consume me, mapping what I wish to let go.

Please tame me. I am wrong.

I can never cover it up. 

I will hide it. Alone and well. Alone and good? Alone and… Alone.

Sometimes I wish… I pray to sail on a boat far away.

Where no ocean could ever cast my reflection.

No cave could echo my voice.

No wind would feel my breath.

No way that it could ever get back to you.

I will sit on the dock because I know this boat is coming.

I don’t know when.

But I know it will find me and I’d rather not be surprised.

If I had more to conceal, I’d have more to pack.

I am sorry for all I’ve taken. 

All the time.

I will try to be quick in my voyage.

To vanish beyond the horizon swiftly.

I was wrong to pick you. I was wrong to burden you.

I am sorry to have knocked on your mind. I don’t wish to stay longer than I’m welcome.

I hope you meet someone with a nose just as keen.

I hope you meet someone with a smile just as wide.

I hope you meet someone with eyes just as sparkling.

I know you will meet someone with beauty as great as your own.

You are… you… you…

You have stained my life. I will not try to clean the residue.

In my mind I will be holding your hand the way you like.

Cooking what you are hungry for.

Throwing out whatever you want to let go.

Forget me with the same ease you met me. Let me waddle away and keep your head held high.

And soon you will pass me like every other stranger on the street.

Gag when you see me at the park.

Scowl when I pass you in the store.

Shove me as I stand still.

Treat me wrong. Treat me the way I deserve.